Do you have a relationship with someone that infuriates you? It can be a spouse, child, colleague, boss, friend, or relative. As soon as I asked you the question, their name and face popped up in your mind. Yes, they drive you nuts! What is wrong with them? Why is it that you can get along with everyone else except for them? They must be the problem, right? Or could it be something else?
Maybe you are not speaking the same language—the same love connection style, that is.
Every human being has a deep desire to be happy and loved. It’s one of our most basic needs. We all wish to be accepted, cherished, seen, understood, and to feel like our lives have meaning. I’ve had wonderful relationships with friends and family over the years, but some were quite challenging. No matter how much effort I put into getting along with them and how deeply I loved them, it often felt hopeless. We just couldn’t stand each other.
That was until I came across a game-changing book: “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. How I wished I had read this book decades ago! But it’s never too late to flip the script! Let me share my insights and personal experiences with you to help you make sense of and improve your interactions with those challenging relationships.
Dr. Gary Chapman, after many years of marriage counseling, concluded that there are five primary love languages that consistently appeared with his patients: quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Inspired by his pioneering work, I’ve expanded on these categories based on my own experiences and observations:
1. Special Shared Moments
2. Genuine Gifts
3. Warm Words
4. Helpful Hands
5. Tender Touch
6. Respectful Reassurance
Don’t worry, I’m about to break them down for you. Just grab your favorite snack, open your eyes and ears wide. I’ll be adding my own spin on them too.
Before we get started, let me share two basic concepts with you so we can start on the same page.
Concept #1: Incompatible Language
If I am extremely fluent in Punjabi and I am speaking to you clearly and slowly, but you only understand English, it doesn’t matter how well I speak Punjabi, you won’t understand a word I’m saying, correct?
This analogy is crucial to understanding how love connection styles work. If we take two partners, they may not have the same primary love connection style. For example, one might feel most loved through acts of service, while the other needs words of affirmation. If they are not able to become fluent in speaking their partner’s love connection style, they are no better than the Punjabi and English-speaking couple I just mentioned. They may communicate, but they won’t connect on a deeper emotional level.
Concept #2: Emotional Reservoir
Now, visualize your own personal emotional reservoir, filled with fish and aquatic plants, and put your name on it. This emotional reservoir is essentially your emotional tank that needs to be filled for you to feel loved and appreciated. If your partner, roommate, friend, parent, or kids are able to speak to you in your primary love connection style, your emotional reservoir will overflow, you will be content in the relationship, and all will be good in the world. Conversely, if they are not able to speak your primary love connection style, your emotional reservoir will be empty. You will feel misunderstood, neglected, and miserable.
Imagine this scenario: You come home after a long, exhausting day, hoping for some comfort. Your primary love connection style is words of affirmation, but your partner believes buying you a gift will cheer you up. While the gift is nice, it doesn’t fill your emotional reservoir because what you truly needed were kind, encouraging words to lift your spirits. This mismatch leads to frustration and emotional distance.
Understanding and learning each other’s love connection styles can transform a relationship. It’s like having a secret code to your partner’s heart. When both individuals make the effort to communicate in their partner’s love connection style, it strengthens the bond and fosters a deeper connection. Just as learning a new language takes practice and dedication, so does mastering the love connection style of those you care about. The reward is a harmonious relationship where both parties feel valued and cherished.
So, how do you determine your own love connection style and that of your loved ones? Reflect on what makes you feel most loved and appreciated. Observe how your loved ones express love to you and to others. Sometimes, the way they show love is a clue to their own love connection style. Communication is key—have open discussions about your needs and preferences to ensure your emotional reservoirs are always full.
Let’s do a deeper dive into the reservoir to better understand these love connection styles. I will be referring to a romantic relationship below, but these examples can very well apply to anyone in your life.
# 1: Special Shared Moments
If your primary love connection style is special shared moments, you feel most loved when your loved ones:
- Go for walks or workout with you.
- Play cards, board games, or chess with you.
- Spend time cooking together or take you to a restaurant.
- Propose activities that you both enjoy, whether it’s hiking, watching movies, or attending events.
- Simply sit down with you, put away all electronics, look you in the eyes, and give you their undivided attention for a meaningful conversation.
For instance, if special shared moments are your primary love connection style, your partner’s presence and attention are what fill your emotional reservoir. Grand gestures like gifts or words of affirmation may not mean as much to you if your partner isn’t spending time with you. You need to feel their presence and engagement. If they’re often absent, distracted, or scrolling away on their phone, your emotional reservoir will feel empty, regardless of other efforts they make.
Imagine a scenario where your partner surprises you with an expensive gift but doesn’t spend time with you. The gesture, while appreciated, won’t resonate deeply if what you truly desire is to share experiences and moments together. On the other hand, a quiet evening spent together, sharing stories, and enjoying each other’s company, would mean the world to you.
# 2: Genuine Gifts
If your primary love connection style is genuine gifts, you will feel most cherished when your loved ones:
- Surprise you with an unexpected gift, like a bottle of wine, flowers, jewelry, or a book.
- Create a handmade present just for you.
- Offer you a day at the spa or a special experience.
- Give you anything that shows they were thinking about you and wanting to bring you joy.
In this case, if genuine gifts are your love connection style and your partner showers you with thoughtful presents, buys you a fancy car, or sends you flowers every week, your emotional reservoir will likely be overflowing. The act of gift-giving, regardless of their physical presence, will make you feel deeply loved and appreciated.
When I think of genuine gifts, I recall the story of a friend whose husband, a busy executive, would often travel for work. Although he was frequently away, he made it a point to send her little gifts from his travels. It wasn’t the monetary value of the gifts that mattered, but the thought and effort behind them. Each gift was a tangible reminder that he was thinking of her, even when they were miles apart. This consistent act of love filled her emotional reservoir, making her feel cherished and valued in their relationship.
#3: Warm Words
If your primary love connection style is warm words, you will feel most cherished and valued when your loved ones:
- Tell you how beautiful you are, making you feel seen and appreciated for your physical presence.
- Sincerely congratulate you for a job well done, whether at work, home, or in any personal endeavor, affirming your hard work and capabilities.
- Express love, appreciation, and encouragement like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “You’re doing a great job,” significantly boosting your emotional well-being.
- Simply acknowledge your efforts with “Thank you for emptying the dishwasher” or “I noticed you worked late, thank you for your dedication,” making you feel recognized and valued for your everyday efforts.
- Point out specific things you excel at or traits they admire in you, like “You should really write that book, you’re such an exceptional writer,” reinforcing your unique qualities and abilities.
In this case, words are your emotional currency. If your partner frequently tells you what a wonderful, supportive wife you are and shows appreciation for the things you do around the house, your emotional reservoir will be full. You will feel motivated to continue nurturing the relationship, knowing that your efforts are noticed and valued.
Understanding and speaking this love connection style has helped me in my relationships, not only romantic but also with friends and family. It’s amazing how a few kind words can make someone’s day and strengthen your bond with them. If warm words are your love connection style, encourage your loved ones to share their thoughts and feelings with you regularly. It can transform your relationship dynamics in the most positive way.
#4: Helpful Hands
If your primary love connection style is helpful hands, you feel most loved when someone takes the time to do something for you. This can include:
- Helping you with household chores like laundry or dishes.
- Taking care of the yard, like mowing the lawn or gardening.
- Running errands to lighten your load when you’re busy.
- Filling up your gas tank so you don’t have to worry about it.
- Assisting you with studying for an exam or project.
- Cooking a meal for you, showing they care about your nourishment and well-being.
Personally, that is hands down my primary love connection style! I don’t care about words or gifts; to me, words are cheap, and gifts won’t follow me to the afterlife. Actions, on the other hand, speak volumes and have a lasting impact. The way to my heart is through tangible actions that make my life easier and show that someone genuinely cares about my needs.
#5: Tender Touch
Ah, the power of touch. Tender touch is a fundamental love connection style that can convey deep affection and emotional connection without uttering a single word. If tender touch is your primary love connection style, you will feel most loved through:
- Holding hands, gentle touches
- Hugs, kisses
- Receiving massages
- Any form of physical contact that comforts and connects
Fulfilling this love connection style can be surprisingly simple once you understand its importance. For example, tender touch is my secondary love connection style, and my partner’s primary one. Communicating through touch with him is effortless yet profoundly impactful. A gentle knee press while watching a movie, a tender caress of his head in passing, random hugs, and kisses—all these small gestures fill his emotional reservoir to the brim and beyond. This language of love is all about those meaningful touches that make your partner feel cherished and secure.
However, it’s essential to note that this form of affection should only be shared with individuals who welcome it. Tender touch requires mutual consent and comfort, ensuring that both partners feel respected and loved. Similarly, be mindful that the other person feels the same way and does not feel uncomfortable with the touch. Random strangers approaching for physical contact is never appropriate.
#6: Respectful Reassurance
Respectful reassurance involves providing comfort, security, and affirmation to your loved ones, making them feel valued, worthy, and supported. If respectful reassurance is your primary love connection style, you will feel most loved through:
- Receiving encouragement and support
- Being listened to without judgment
- Having your feelings and experiences validated
- Experiencing empathy and understanding
- Consistent demonstration of reliability and trustworthiness
For instance, if respectful reassurance is your primary love connection style, you will deeply appreciate a partner who listens attentively to your concerns, offers comforting words during difficult times, and consistently shows up when needed. This type of support fosters a strong sense of security and trust in the relationship. When your partner reassures you respectfully, it fills your emotional reservoir, making you feel secure and cherished.
For example, what I love about my life partner is that even in the heat of the moment, he never raises his voice and lets me speak without interrupting me. No matter how upset he may be, he is intently eager to listen and resolve the conflict. This respectful approach during discussions makes me feel valued and understood, strengthening our bond every single time.
My Journey with the Love Connection Styles
After years of navigating relationships and reflecting on what makes them thrive or falter, I discovered that my most fulfilling relationships were with those who naturally aligned with my primary love connection styles, and vice versa. Conversely, the most toxic and challenging relationships were with individuals who did not resonate with my love connection style at all. These relationships often resulted in misunderstandings, hurt, and disconnection.
When I developed an online questionnaire to identify an individual’s primary love connection style, I was thrilled to share it with those I cherished. I encouraged them to complete the quiz and share their results with me. The results were nothing short of magical. Understanding each person’s primary love connection style allowed me to make necessary adjustments to meet their emotional needs more effectively. Sharing my results with them meant they also knew how to support me in ways that truly resonated.
What followed was a beautiful wave of happiness and love. Everyone eagerly explored how to enhance their relationships intentionally. The benefits were immediate and deeply rewarding! If you’re ready to transform your relationships, take the free, user-friendly Love Connection Style Quiz. In just 10 minutes, you can uncover your unique love styles and those of your loved ones, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling connections.
Parting Words
Dear friend, discovering your love connection style can unlock deeper connections and minimize misunderstandings. The Love Connection Style Quiz provides insights into the six love connection styles: special shared moments, genuine gifts, warm words, helpful hands, tender touch, and respectful reassurance.
Understanding your love connection styles will save you from heartache and help you build lasting, loving relationships. Imagine a world where everyone speaks the “correct” love connection style, fostering harmony and joy in every relationship. Discover your love connection styles and start building those bridges today. Your future self will thank you, and your relationships will flourish! Take my word for it!
You have the power to transform your relationships and your life. Do it all while you still can!
For personalized advice on improving specific relationships, visit WiseHema.com. Hema offers 24/7 support to guide you on your journey at an extremely low monthly cost.
Alternatively, you can send me a letter that might be featured on the “To Run or Not To Run” show for more free insights and advice!
If you enjoyed this blog, consider taking our “What’s Your Love Connection Style? The Ultimate Relationship Quiz” to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and discover how to enhance your connections!
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