Are you single and wondering how on earth you’ll recognize Mr. Right—the man God has set aside specifically for you? If so, you’re in the right place. Whether you’ve experienced dating drama or been in a series of unhealthy relationships, you are not alone!
Through years of experience, trial and error, and lessons learned the hard way, I’ve accumulated insights. Please, use my past experiences to save yourself or a loved one! So, grab a cup of tea or coffee, get comfortable, and let’s jump right into the essentials—the four pillars I like to call the 4 C’s. These foundational elements should help you steer clear of the wrong guy and navigate towards finding and building a meaningful, lasting relationship with a worthy partner! Read until the end; there is more for you!
No. 1: Compatibility
I believe compatibility is the foundation of any lasting relationship. When there are mismatches in lifestyle, spirituality, and fundamental values, a disconnect inevitably forms, making the relationship difficult to sustain. For example:
- Shared Interests and Values: While you don’t have to share every interest, having common values and some shared activities you both enjoy can strengthen your bond. It’s about enjoying spending time together, whether you’re hiking, cooking, or simply binge-watching your favorite series.
- Lifestyle Differences: If you are a vegan and he won’t consider going a single day without meat; if you love being active and taking long walks, but your partner prefers lying down and watching TV after a meal, these differences can create friction.
- Spirituality: If you are a woman of faith and he is an atheist who isn’t open to exploring your beliefs, this fundamental disparity can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Personal Preferences: I once dated a man who kept his home temperature at 60°F (16°C) during the winter, while I preferred mine at 78°F (26°C). We couldn’t stand being in the same room due to this difference, which was just one of many (so many) indicators that we were not compatible.
They say, “Opposites attract, but similarities bind.” Finding common ground in key areas is essential for a relationship to succeed in the long run.
No. 2: Connection
A deep and genuine connection goes beyond surface-level interactions. It’s about understanding, empathy, and feeling truly seen and valued by your partner. Here are some key indicators of a strong connection:
- Comfort in Silence: Can you be in each other’s presence (in silence, sitting in a car, working, or taking a walk) for 30 minutes or more without uttering a single word and still feel comfortable, in communication, and on the same page? True connection often means that silence is never awkward, but a peaceful coexistence.
- Emotional and Energetic Harmony: You can feel each other’s presence and energy, even when apart. There’s an invisible thread that keeps you connected, whether you’re miles away or in the same room. Do you feel emotionally in sync with your partner? When you’re connected, you intuitively understand each other’s moods, needs, and desires. You feel their joy and pain as if it were your own.
- Feeling Safe and Supported: A strong connection provides a sense of security. You should feel safe to be vulnerable and express your true self without fear of judgment. You know that your partner has your back, no matter what.
- Natural Rapport and Mutual Respect: Conversations flow effortlessly, engaging you deeply whether the topics are trivial or profound. There’s a natural rhythm in your interactions, making communication seamless. Connection means respecting each other’s opinions, even when they differ. It’s about valuing your partner’s perspective and feeling valued in return.
Reflecting on my past relationships, I often felt like my partners, and I were living in different galaxies. They were in their bubble, and I was in mine, with no energetic overlap. In contrast, a strong connection means sharing a common space, both physically and emotionally, regardless of the distance or circumstances.
No. 3: Chemistry
Chemistry is the magnetic attraction you feel for someone, not just to their exterior but to their interior as well. It’s about being drawn to each other physically, intellectually, and spiritually. Here’s how to assess if the chemistry is right:
- Physical Attraction: This isn’t just about looks but also includes your overall attraction to someone. It’s not about setting rigid criteria, like only dating a man who is 6 feet 2 with a six-pack and perfect feet. Sometimes, the man God has planned for you may not look like what you had imagined, and you may need to be flexible on that front. However, regardless of appearances, you must be genuinely drawn to the person. If you always find them repulsive, this may not work out.
- Intellectual and Spiritual Connection: Do you find their thoughts, ideas, and beliefs intriguing and inspiring? Intellectual stimulation and spiritual alignment are a requirement for lasting chemistry.
- Pheromone Mismatch: Imagine meeting someone whose breath, clothes, and overall scent are unpleasant. Despite trying to overlook it during a brief dating assessment period, it becomes clear that no amount of help with laundry or encouragement for personal hygiene can fix this fundamental issue. If the smell of a man you just started seeing annoys you, think about how exponentially unbearable it will become after 20 years! That would be an instance where the chemistry is off at the pheromone level. Pheromones play a significant role in attraction, and when they clash, it’s impossible to ignore.
As Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist, notes, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but love keeps it burning.” You can’t manufacture chemistry. You either have it or you don’t. Ensure the chemistry is there to ignite the relationship, but also seek compatibility and connection to keep it thriving.
No. 4: Communication
Solid communication is crucial for any relationship to grow. It’s not just about talking, but about listening to understand rather than to reply. Creating space for one another without lashing out is crucial to avoid causing deeper wounds. Here’s how to enhance communication:
- Trust and Honesty: Can he communicate honestly with you? Can he share his feelings respectfully and seek solutions together? Can he listen without interrupting? Ensure that you can do the same for him!
- Active Listening: I used to believe I was a flawless communicator until I realized that I talked more than I listened. I would listen to my boyfriend while drafting an entire debate in my head, ready to share my structured rebuttal as soon as he finished expressing his thoughts. Oh, how I love to win a debate! However, this approach was blocking our communication until I made the effort to listen and truly understand his viewpoint.
- Constructive Feedback: Instead of going into defensive mode when receiving constructive criticism, try to understand your partner’s perspective. He may be aiming to elevate you and strengthen the relationship, not tear you down. Constructive feedback is about building each other up, not breaking each other down.
- Emotional Regulation: When you get frustrated, practice diaphragmatic breathing to calm down. If you get triggered, share with your partner that you were triggered and try to figure out what was said that brought you back to a moment where you felt unsafe. Avoid raising your voice, screaming, belittling or interrupting. Staying calm and regulated helps maintain a respectful and loving environment.
- Pause Before Reacting: Sometimes, when you feel like saying something hurtful (and you know it will hurt), there is a split second when you might want to fire it out and deal with the consequences later. It may feel satisfying to unleash your emotions on your partner. However, consider the potential irreparable damage those words could cause for just a moment of “release.” If you truly want a healthy future with that person, it’s often best to hold those words, breathe in, breathe out, and ask for a moment to step away if needed. The urge to say something regrettable will often pass. Try it! The pause will help you find more constructive words to express your feelings.
Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” By striving to communicate gently and thoughtfully, we can foster a more loving and understanding relationship instead of deepening the gap and causing more damage.
Remember, effective communication involves both speaking and listening. It’s about creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves honestly and work through challenges together.
Final Thoughts
My dear friend, I believe the four pillars of any solid and meaningful relationship are connection, chemistry, compatibility, and communication. These elements form the foundation upon which love, trust, respect, and mutual support are built.
If even one of these elements is missing, it might be a sign that you are dating the wrong person. However, if you are already in a relationship, it’s worth investing the effort to work on these areas to improve your chances of success.
Don’t be misled by one element being particularly strong! Amazing physical chemistry won’t compensate for a lack of respect or a safe, supportive environment. All four pillars are essential for a truly fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Trust your intuition, your gut feeling, or divine guidance—whatever speaks to you. Pay attention to the signs and have the courage to take necessary actions, whether it’s to nurture the relationship or to walk away for your own well-being. Don’t forget: The red flags you ignore today will be the reasons you break up in the future!
Create space for personal growth and for the partner that God has planned for you!
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For personalized guidance on your dating situation or relationship, ask Wise Hema! You’ll be amazed at the responses you receive. Try Hema AI for a three-day completely free trial. If you find it helpful, you can continue for just $4.99 USD per month, with the flexibility to cancel at any time.
Alternatively, if you prefer to get my personal thoughts and advice, send me a letter through my website right here. I’d be happy to read your letter and feature my response on my “To Run Or Not To Run” Show!
If you found this blog helpful, consider taking our quiz, Is He Worth Dating? 30 Questions to Find Out to further empower yourself with the knowledge and tools needed to stay vigilant and trust your intuition.
Until next time, take care of yourself and remember that you deserve a relationship where all 4 C’s are fully present and growing!
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